If you’re too lazy to read you can listen to my beautiful voice instead =P
In this post, I dive deep into my very own journey. To me, being a mother is defined as ‘caring for your own young’, no matter who they are, where they will go and what they will be. And children don’t come to me, they come through me. They are and will be the ones that will teach my own life’s lessons with a vision of becoming….
Don’t you think so? 🤔
Here was the initial background of my story of how Autism came into our lives (my version). Read on, if you can’t be bothered clicking to a new tab 😜.
When he was 2 weeks, we moved apartments in Singapore. When he turned 6 months, we moved between countries. There was a lot of change in adapting, coping and figuring out when we jump into the deep parenthood ocean with our first-born. So, going with Maslow’s hierarchy, we actioned the necessary to survive. Everything else didn’t matter. And whilst I juggle through the big changes within me emotionally, physically and mentally; I was overwhelmed with significant changes beyond control.
To be honest in that time, if I were to have an angel and demon, it felt as though the demon disappeared and re-appeared with superpowers. That led me to post-natal depression which I didn’t even know until I came out of it. It was an honest stage of suffering with adjustments.
So blinded with my own egos and expectations, I forgot the ‘red flags’ happening to my son. He was socially non-interactive. These are seen through a few indicators such as not responding to his name, pointing, nor looking. My son however has tapped to one side of the brain where no ‘neurotypical’ beings can. He has hyperlexia which is a splinter skill and so this is his comforter. He reads the black and white texts in books to know the grey, of the natural abilities we have, often taken for granted.
For example, to get him to give us an eye contact, we had to write something interesting down on a pen and then re-direct the pen to our eyes. And then we do it many times until he gets it. Even then, I was quite against therapy over a period of time as reading experiences from an adult who has autism and can communicate, they get an overload of sensory depth by looking at someone’s eyes. And thus we had to ‘teach’ him how to eat, drink, toilet train, and speak or learn a line when approaching others.
Currently, he likes to go up to anyone who has a print on either their bags, top or cards at a picnic ground and would smile and read the prints. The struggle for me is to find a book that teaches him about socialising, and that sometimes I have to write the stories myself.
As the journey continues, these are the few lessons that I go back to or teach me most not just about my life, but about living.
1. Never judge a book by its cover, never judge a reaction after an action.
When you see my son, he seems ‘normal.’ He can now look, listen and speak. But when you see him react, behave and interact, it seems a little off ‘normal’. To what society may perceive. To what our neurotypical nature we perceive. I have learnt about releasing judgement and stereotypical even more so after being a mother when I see another mother’s struggle to their kids or baby. In fact, I would go out and help instead. We are often taken off guard just because of fearing the unknown and that our senses heighten about the danger. It is a human thing to do, but I think being open and trusting faith has left me feeling grounded with a sense of release. Just because I have been taught that we cannot control the things we can’t.
With that I am still learning how to educate others and me. There will be times he will scream in public, there will be times he will go up and sticks his tongue out for a person holding an ice cream. I am constantly in alert mode, because I keep wanting to avoid having to apologise for my son’s behaviour. I am learning that he has a beautiful soul, and open the heart of others. To be present. To see and feel something different. And to trust my intuition and be courageous to teach others.
2. It’s ok to feel alone, but still, you are not alone.
I have had this feeling for the longest time, longer before children and I have felt more so when my son is born. I struggle to speak about my issues, even to the closest ones because the feeling never left. It felt like a deep dark hole with no way out. I was in this place for the longest time.
‘Why don’t you teach your kids?’
‘What did you eat during your pregnancy?’
‘Was it the exercise, was it the food I ate, was it epigenetics?’
‘It’s all my fault.’
‘I am such a lousy mom, I can’t even get my son to look at me’
‘I am such a lousy mom, I can’t even hold my son the right way’
‘Oh my goodness what’s happening, I am thinking of drowning my baby’
That last thought hit me hard to the ground. This was my hardest learning curve. Through that whole period I had to seek professional help and went for sessions where I poured everything out because I was in a safe place and had someone to listen to with a trust. That first reach, was the moment I was proud of and super thankful for the country, my siblings and colleagues to promote and encourage.
I have learnt that our hardest fall is the moment of awakening to our true selves. It is the turn of healing, the moment of opening and a closer connection to my soul where the mind and body finally becomes one and new energy emerges. (if you think this is hocus-pocus, do watch Dr Joe Dispenza’s video on my Facebook on how he can connect quantum physics to meditation. That our mind can create matter)
I slowly grew my network knowing other parents who are in the same situation. It was a matter of reaching out to them and I can never thank them enough and social media for having a group created. More coincidences start to appear and thus the spark of my epiphany last year and it keeps growing.
3. Change is constant, and so is conscience
Change is constant. Things, events, moods, feelings goes up and down like an undulating wave connecting the dark and the light like the Ying and Yang. So take in the good and the bad. The good stuff taught me to be thankful and presently grateful. The bad taught me my life’s greatest lesson, that it is the start of healing to every experience we receive. And as my epiphany grows, I am gradually losing the bind by the reactivity that comes from life’s drama. Our consciousness is what keeps me grounded to receive the changes that happens throughout life’s journey. As one of the well known spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says; Our conscience is the theatre stage and the events portray by media and people are the actors, actresses and puppets on our stage.
Questions? Feedback? Confused? Feel free to comment below or send me a message 🙂